How do you measure a good life?
My late friend, Dr Elwood Blues Wilkins, believed that at the second before death, your consciousness takes stock of your life. If in that final second, you realise you have been cruel, indolent, or selfish, then you are in hell. That other option, a life of kindness, love and generosity, is heaven. All those modern trappings of success - money, cars, job titles, a big following on TikTok; they're all pretty worthless in the end.
When you think about auditing a life, you realise that success can only ever be internally assessed. You can lie to yourself for a long time about the kind of person you are, but reality always catches up, even if just in the last nanosecond of life.
I've been helping my stepfather have a loving death in recent months. He's a remarkably resilient loved one. As I write this, he hasn't eaten for three and half weeks, taking only short sucks of water through a metal straw. Heart failure, cancer and dementia are a triple whammy for the system, but even now, as that final second draws near, he's fighting to stay with us.
I'm still learning things about him. In moments of lucidity, he has reflected on his life. In semi-consciousness, he moves his fingers like tapping the keys on a piano. When I asked about it, he told me he was remembering his childhood piano lessons.
I've noticed that he hasn't once mentioned material things. He's spent time talking about family and his childhood dog, Cocoa. He's embarrassed that he feels a burden but grateful for the carers who help us look after him at home. A tiny kindness, like dabbing his lips with a small sponge, elicits a whispered thank you.
The next second may be his last. I think he'll pass the Dr Elwood Blues Wilkins test. God bless him.
Internal success and an active life
If success can only ever be internally evaluated, it also means you can never hide from failure. I tried to hide from my health failures for a long time. I still lapse into that mindset, but these days I fight myself to own the failure. I've been fucking up a lot lately. Little bits of impulsive eating, not being active enough, rationalising inaction to myself, and all the other things you do to self-sabotage.
Owning failure, rather than denying it, is, as you probably know, a harrowing situation to be in. It's more complicated than denial, anyway. And that's why the little group of people who are similarly struggling to keep weight off or lead healthier, more active lives are so important to me. Setting up the PoP Club (persons of positivity) was a way of stopping me from hiding failure and helping others to do the same.
Why do we fail?
Why do we fail at things we know are good for us? It's tiny things that make me stumble. My hard rule for January is to average 10,000 steps a day. I slipped out this morning and returned after only 860 steps because I'd not got a waterproof, and it started to rain. It's pathetic, but that's life. I had an organisational failure.
Still, accountability means I'm not going to give in. I'm determined to get my average step count over 10,000 steps. Admitting this to you is helping me worry about when the next walk will come. Thanks for that.
The analogue green exercise ring
Is this the analogue antecedent to the Apple Watch exercise ring?
Gwennap Pit is famous amongst Methodists from when a copper mineshaft collapsed, and John Wesley used it to preach. In 1803, twelve rings were carved into its edges, creating amphitheatre-like seating for 1,500.
The Museum of Cornish Living claims that if you walk around every circle, down and back up, you’ll have covered a mile.
I used it to spice up my walk earlier this week and recommend a visit.
Listening
ADHD Adults podcast. Despite the cast claiming it’s not about why we fail at new year's resolutions, it's about why we fail at new year's resolutions.
Since talking about my ADHD, I’ve received several questions about the condition. I’m not qualified to give advice, but James Brown is. And he’s on tour!
Reading
I’ve been banging on about failure so much in this newsletter that I’ve just ordered Costica Bradatan’s In Praise of Failure.
“We can do without success, but we are much poorer without the gifts of failure.”
Aww 🥰 sending love and strength to you for giving your best to your mum and step father at this time. 💕
We need to embrace our failures with love and thank ourselves for recognising them for what they are: cracks that let the light in. Thank you for reminding me.
Tom, that worked for me. Just being outside the house kitted for a walk but intending just stay in the garden til I could hear and see and feel. Birds rain wind mud wind-chimes trees. Then I wanted to stay on my feet outside and walked 33 minutes, 12 briskly, nearly 4000 steps. To the co- op. Some days it’s been about 8 steps all day. Ha! Here’s to failing🍾